20 years of missed opportunities
I recently turned 40 years old. There’s a lot to look back on. There’s so much that I have accomplished:
Two college certificates- Business Admin & Applied counselling
Becoming a freelance journalist
Becoming an advocate
Becoming a hockey coach
Becoming a business partner
Becoming a writer & author
Becoming a fundraising expert
Volunteering on many boards
All of this sounds wonderful. You might feel inspired and think, how can a person with a physical disability achieve all of this?
When I first started to feel awesome was back in my fundraising days. Society was impressed with what I was doing, which overall was a good feeling. Better yet, was knowing that I was improving myself, at the same time I was giving back to wonderful organizations. Also, I was getting in shape. This was helping slowly shape my being.
During my elementary and high school years, I just did my best to hide in the shadows and exist.
College was an okay part of my life. Looking back, it is also, one of the biggest wastes and missed opportunities. I was so shy and unsure of myself, that even the smallest task was the biggest hurdle, I was just try to survive. Going to college then straight back home, made up my days. For excitement on the weekends, I would go up and down the hallways of my apartment building. There were plenty of times, when I would be asked to go out- go out for drinks or movies. I would come up with an excuse to stay home. This was the first time that I had the chance to be truly on my own. Instead of embracing it and finding out more about who I was, I wasted it.
I was guilty of thinking that just because I had CP, that everything was going to work out. A fast-food restaurant owner, a town councilor, a big-time author, a hockey scout, run for government office. Being Mr. popular and being well off finically were just some of my big ideas that I thought were for sure going to happen.
The hard truth is it did not work out. Main reason was, I did not want to put in the effort and wanted everything to be handed to me. Everything I wanted to do, was just supposed to appear and be a success instantly. The complete opposite happened. Every door I tried to go through, people slammed it shut. I was turned down for bank loans, when running in municipal elections, I was not taken seriously as a legitimate candidate. My speech and look held me back.
Thinking that everyone was going to want to do home care with me, was misplayed on my part. Being very popular in my small town I thought for sure, that there was going to be people lined up around the block to work with me. Finding staff is only going to continue to be a big issue for the rest of my life. Did I and try to work harder? No. instead, I got really upset, not only with myself but with my disability as well.
This is where life started to spin out of control. I changed who I really was. Before this, I was a very quiet person, that did not like drawing attention to myself. I totally lost my passion for life and became a heavy drinker, who did drugs, adopted a very unhealthy diet. Turning into a real jerk who partied, gave me a large group of friends, I thought life was awesome. I was “cool.” Along the way, my physical and health took a beating. Drugs and booze took over. I thought waking up most mornings feeling awful, was normal. It took me a long while, but I got out of it. Cleaning myself up, all of my so called “friends” disappeared. Some of them I have not seen or even talked to for 10 years. I was just used for my booze and a place to party.
Once I changed my lifestyle, all the partying and hanging out stopped. As I sat alone in my apartment feeling unhealthy and wondering where it all went wrong, it came to me that I was the only one capable of a more fulfilling life.
Why am I saying this?
Today, life is nowhere where I need or want it to be. However, I am proud of who I am and what I have become. If you want something in life, you might need to go through the dark, to reach the light.
Life is yours. Always shape your future best you can.